I’m obsessed with producing things. I have been for a while. It all started with being obsessed with living the purpose driven life, then it grew and grew into this monster of me always wondering if I was on the right path, brining the right value, and potentially, missing out on the best (and/or God’s plan) because I went the wrong direction here or there. I’ve felt like as long as I was producing something, even if it was producing change, then I was adding value and fulfilling my purpose. To be honest, it’s that drive that has made me successful (I’ve not achieved, but I’ve found success in my ventures over the years), but it’s also the ugly side of this very belief that has resulted in me being so internally torn. I’ve long felt like in every conversation I had to add value, and it’s only matter of time till that begins to impact every relationship.
Let me say this, I don’t think my theology of salvation got jacked up as a result of this. I totally got that my salvation was a result of grace, but to be honest, I began to think that my productivity was THE way I pleased God. As I continue to write, let me be clear, this paradigm hasn’t left, it’s just that I’ve begun to realize how distorted this is. It’s exhausting. Internally, I’m always feeling the strain of whether I’ve provided ENOUGH value to the God of the universe, when in truth, he wants me more than he wants my gift, he wants my attention – He wants my trust. I don’t have to please him through my knowledge or wisdom, I can be loved JUST BECAUSE I am the beloved.
“Purpose driven” has resulted in me becoming a man tired of ever striving and never arriving, always trying to chase this big plan, this big revelation, this world-changing gift that I believe I’m supposed to bring to the world. At the end of the day, I do hope I make an impact on this world, but I want to be a man who is just intimate with a God who loved me so desperately that he would die for me, and I want to spend the rest of my life responding to him, trusting him in every situation that if I’m to make an impact, I will, and if I’m supposed to do nothing more than serve right where I am and just be loved, I can.
He loves me just because, just because of who He is…